The Fear of the Smear...

it has been a while hasn't it?

Maybe I have been too busy with Life (which is a good sign I guess?) but deep down I know that really, I have been too afraid to put pen to paper, so to speak.

Afraid? HER? That crazy loud-mouth-warrior-cancer-can't-screw-me-girl I hear you say. Oh yes, dear reader, she went chicken on you. But now she is here to say why.

I got angry and scared. Scared of myself I suppose. I was so full of "do it all" dreams and then life got in the way. I wanted to go and save the world yet I had to save the dinner from the dog jumping on the table and the jumpers from the hot wash. I had to read to my son and pass on the night lessons of female empowerment. I had to fix my car instead of fixing people.  I had to call my insurance company and forgot to call my friends. I had to go to hospital and not go to a kids party.  I called work and didn't call my friends in Australia, Florida, Orvieto and England (you know who you are). I got lost in "doing" without actually doing anything.

I was a mess. I was angry at myself and angry at others when they got sick. God knows I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, but you all? I have been harping on at you all to get checked up for years and I got so mad at you for not going to do a simple smear test.

But it's not that simple, is it?

No. it's really not.

This all came crashing down on me when I got slightly inebriated and posted that nobody goes and gets their cervix scraped...oh and I was one pissed off bunny. The BBC revealed that millions of women never turn up to their appointments and I lost the plot. WHY WHY WHY!!! Was my reaction. Why don't they go!

Then (with a little help from my lovely Hermien) I realised: they are not like ME. YOU are not like me. I get this now...

My dignity went out the window years ago... oh yes reader, say the word "speculum" and I'm whipping off my pants and spread eagled in 2.3 seconds. I guess I am either easily pleased or one of the few women who has got over it through sheer necessity of survival. Ha! But I am not YOU. Whoever you are. You may be scared. You may be scarred. Maybe you have been abused as a young woman or child, maybe you have been hurt, maybe you have been forced to have an abortion, maybe you have had a bad experience, maybe you have a boyfriend who hurts you, maybe you have been shamed or are ashamed of yourself, maybe you don't have time to think about YOU. Maybe you just don't want to know. Maybe you don't care, maybe you care too much?

Maybe. Just maybe, you are as scared as I was. I realise now I have had two lives: one before and one after cancer. The afterlife has made me joyful, cynical, sceptical and brutal. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe not.

My anger towards you, for not going to have your smear is not fair. However my cry for you to try and go is justified.

I know it's not the most earth shattering moment. I know it's pretty horrific and scary and I know I have been a bit of a bully so this post is for you, the ones who don't want to go:

if you can, go. If you can't, try. If you are scared please know that you are not alone. Under this rather hardened skin of mine is just a girl who is just as scared, who will listen if you need someone to listen to you.

We are women, we are girls, mothers, friends, lovers, wives, workers, sisters and allies. Yet, we can also be afraid and that's OK.

whatever you decide to do, I'm here. For a gentle word and a gentle cry. We can be afraid together and then, when you want, we can be brave (because we really are)

xxxx Rigs