When the night comes..

When the night comes and I am alone I think far. Too. Much. I am sure I am not alone here. We all do, don't we?
I had my yearly scan last week and I was scared. Again. Is that a good thing? Maybe yes for many reasons: I want to live, I want to know what's going on in my body, I want to be prepared for good or bad news.
Then there is the other side of me that doesn't want to know, that couldn't give a flying flute, that wants to turn a blind eye and yell out "mines a large one please!" And dance and get several sheets to the wind...sell everything I have and bugger off around the world with nothing but a handbag and a good book. Yet I lean to the former and I get scared. In the end I guess we all want to know. Deep down inside of us we all want to know in the end what is going on and ultimately what is going to happen. It isn't the best feeling in the world but it's a weird human necessity. Needing to know. Going on holiday? We check the weather. Going out? We look up the place on trip advisor. And many, many more..too many to add here. I am sure I didn't used to be like this...before cancer I am sure I used to be so carefree and worry free and everything free. But I can't remember feeling like that. Almost like I can't remember not being able to understand Italian before living in Italy or remembering how life was like before having a child. Ah! Yes..that's why I worry so much. That may be the reason why I think too much. I worry about myself because ultimately I worry about my family. I worry about how they would be without me. I worry about my husband and my child. Would they be Ok?
During my chemotherapy I used to say to my husband "we need to talk about what happens if I don't get better". And he never wanted to. He didn't want to know, he refused to know. Unlike myself..who wants to know too much. And who thinks too much. But only when the night comes..