One Year On..

One Year On..

We all say it: “What a difference a year makes!” and then we all make plans (that we never do) we all say that YES we MUST do that this year! (And we never do) we all say THIS year I WILL come and see you! (And we don’t). If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. We all say this. However when one is face to face with one’s own mortality we kind of expect promises to be kept. Many people said to me at the very beginning “I will come and see you!” and they didn’t. At first I was rather upset by this. And then something marvelous happened to me. I was well again, I started to enjoy myself, work, go for walks, and go for tea.. Hell I even went OUT.

And then it hit me. Life Goes On.

Isn’t that super?

I started chemotherapy on the 11^th of November 2014, a day to remember for many reasons. For most the end of a great war, for me the start of a personal fight. Now, Chemo is very dull. There are many different types of drugs and mine was an old school one that required at least eight hours of hospital time once a week. First off I had to have a blood test at 7 in the morning, which meant leaving home at around 5.30 am. After the blood results I would have a quick meeting with my Oncology Doc which went something like this:

“So, Rachel, how are you feeling?”

“Well, I have been better..I keep being sick and actually I feel like crap.”

“Jolly good! All normal then..Keep drinking water!!”

Right.

Then I was shipped off to have a drip put into me. The nurse always insisted in putting the damn needle in my hand but I hated it. After a few bribes I eventually made her put it in the crook of my elbow, where you would usually get your blood tests drawn from. Yet we are talking about an 8 hour stint here. First I would have a pint and a half of saline solution to help hydrate my body as my particular drug (apparently) is a bitch on the kidneys: first session.

Nurse: Then Rachel, here is your pee container. You must pee into the container and call me every time you do, so I can monitor your kidney function.

Me: Pardon? So…I have to pee in to a container AND carry my drip with me to the loo so you know I am peeing???

Nurse: yes.

Right.

And yes dear reader that is what I did. And after the saline solution I was given a half pint of pure cortisone. Now cortisone is a funny thing, it makes one hungry as hell and very active. My lord I could have eaten anything, I was ravenous and hyper! And then more saline solution..and then the chemo. And then yet more saline solution. And just to top it all off, down I went to have a blast of radiotherapy! Joy! By 8 pm I was home and in bed. The day after my first chemo I felt AMAZING. Really, I was full of energy and sparkly sensations and I called my Oncologist as said “I feel AMAZING!” and she said..

“That’s the cortisone sweetheart, give it 12 hours..”

Never a more accurate outlook.

And man was I sick. Sick sick sick. I couldn’t eat anything except tangerines. My darling Mother cooked for me and held my hair back and sang to me. I was a child again. I didn’t look after my son, or myself. I couldn’t handle anything. My friends called me and I couldn’t talk. My darling Grandad died and I couldn't go to his funeral. I was missing so much.

But I did it. I lost 10 kilos (wow!) and I HATED being thin, no really, it was all wrong. I spent Christmas being miserable and sick.

And all of a sudden it stopped. And with that, I stopped caring. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t stop caring about the people I love, I started actually loving them for who they really are. I had friends who showed their true colours, friends who diverted flights from LA to come and see me and cook for me, friends who apologized, friends who hugged. I was loved. And I still am.

A year has flown. AND with it I have changed. I have a job, my friends are doing well, my family is amazing and I am keeping my fingers crossed.

One of my friends did ask me: “Are you scared of death?”

No. I am not scared of death. I am not scared of dying because I know that I will leave behind something of me in every one of you.

As I said at the very beginning, if people don’t call you or ask every day how you are it simply means that LIFE goes on. Isn’t that wonderful?