One Year On..
We all say it: “What a difference a year
makes!” and then we all make plans (that we never do) we all say that YES we
MUST do that this year! (And we never do) we all say THIS year I WILL come and
see you! (And we don’t). If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. We
all say this. However when one is face to face with one’s own mortality we kind
of expect promises to be kept. Many people said to me at the very beginning “I
will come and see you!” and they didn’t. At first I was rather upset by this.
And then something marvelous happened to me. I was well again, I started to
enjoy myself, work, go for walks, and go for tea.. Hell I even went OUT.
And then it hit me. Life Goes On.
Isn’t that super?
I started chemotherapy on the 11th
of November 2014, a day to remember for many reasons. For most the end of a
great war, for me the start of a personal fight. Now, Chemo is very dull. There
are many different types of drugs and mine was an old school one that required
at least eight hours of hospital time once a week. First off I had to have a
blood test at 7 in the morning, which meant leaving home at around 5.30 am.
After the blood results I would have a quick meeting with my Oncology Doc which
went something like this:
“So, Rachel, how are you feeling?”
“Well, I have been better..I keep being
sick and actually I feel like crap.”
“Jolly good! All normal then..Keep drinking
water!!”
Right.
Then I was shipped off to have a drip put into
me. The nurse always insisted in putting the damn needle in my hand but I hated
it. After a few bribes I eventually made her put it in the crook of my elbow,
where you would usually get your blood tests drawn from. Yet we are talking
about an 8 hour stint here. First I would have a pint and a half of saline
solution to help hydrate my body as my particular drug (apparently) is a bitch
on the kidneys: first session.
Nurse: Then Rachel, here is your pee
container. You must pee into the container and call me every time you do, so I can
monitor your kidney function.
Me: Pardon? So…I have to pee in to a
container AND carry my drip with me to the loo so you know I am peeing???
Nurse: yes.
Right.
And yes dear reader that is what I did. And
after the saline solution I was given a half pint of pure cortisone. Now
cortisone is a funny thing, it makes one hungry as hell and very active. My
lord I could have eaten anything, I was ravenous and hyper! And then more saline
solution..and then the chemo. And then yet more saline solution. And just to
top it all off, down I went to have a blast of radiotherapy! Joy! By 8 pm I was
home and in bed. The day after my first chemo I felt AMAZING. Really, I was
full of energy and sparkly sensations and I called my Oncologist as said “I
feel AMAZING!” and she said..
“That’s the cortisone sweetheart, give it
12 hours..”
Never a more accurate outlook.
And man was I sick. Sick sick sick. I couldn’t
eat anything except tangerines. My darling Mother cooked for me and held my
hair back and sang to me. I was a child again. I didn’t look after my son, or
myself. I couldn’t handle anything. My friends called me and I couldn’t talk.
My darling Grandad died and I couldn't go to his funeral. I was missing so much.
But I did it. I lost 10 kilos (wow!) and I HATED
being thin, no really, it was all wrong. I spent Christmas being miserable and
sick.
And all of a sudden it stopped. And with
that, I stopped caring. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t stop caring about the
people I love, I started actually loving them for who they really are. I had
friends who showed their true colours, friends who diverted flights from LA to
come and see me and cook for me, friends who apologized, friends who hugged. I
was loved. And I still am.
A year has flown. AND with it I have
changed. I have a job, my friends are doing well, my family is amazing and I am
keeping my fingers crossed.
One of my friends did ask me: “Are you
scared of death?”
No. I am not scared of death. I am not
scared of dying because I know that I will leave behind something of me in
every one of you.
As I said at the very beginning, if people don’t
call you or ask every day how you are it simply means that LIFE goes on. Isn’t that
wonderful?
