Why I’ve been holding my breath…
A few days ago, one of my lovely old school
friends sent me a message: How are you? Where have you been? I think about you
all the time and wonder if you are OK! What's up?!
And THAT, dear reader, made me think.
Not only did it make me think but it made
me realise that I've been holding my breath for the last few months. Why? I
think (I know) that I’ve been mentally holding back on myself for several reasons
but the main two are these: (the first is a bit of a self sob story, the second not so much!)
1)
I doubted that my blogs were
making a difference. Any kind of difference at all. To anyone. I doubted the
effect my words were having on any of the women I wanted to reach out to and I
doubted that anything I said, or did, got the message across. I thought that nobody really noticed.
2)
I have been terribly worried about everything
and everyone. Every message received and every post I read tore into my very
soul. It seemed that all of my friends were
sad or confused or suffering for things that HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CANCER. So why am I adding to THEIR pain by writing
about this? Am I making them think “Damn, I shoudn’t feel bad, she’s been
through some shit!” I just couldn’t face loading “Guilt” on people I love. And I
guess I didn’t mean to MAKE them feel guilty, I just put myself in their shoes.
What would I do? if I was in the middle of some deep crisis would I think "Hold everything! I need to go and scrap my cervix you bastards!" errr, no. I wouldn't. The last thing I'd think about would be hoiking my legs over a cold stirrup thank you very much. Ugg!
And of course I KNOW this is not the case! I know that nobody wants to deal with
the epic, the incomprehensible, the irreversible. Nobody wants to feel impotent
and sometimes, well, quite frankly, if one has ones’ own crap to deal with the
last thing they want to do is read about someone else’s crap. Am I wrong? Am I wrong to think that in the middle of utter hell the LAST thing you want to do is take time to drop your pants???
Maybe
I am and maybe I’ve been wrong not to talk about Cancer for a while but the
truth is, I haven’t been thinking about ME. I’ve been focusing on OTHERS. Regardless.
The last few months have been horrific for many of my dear, dear friends and
family and I have put my feelings (at least in words) on a back burner. I've chosen not to talk about cancer, or smears, or radio & chemo, or endless cancer cancer cancer cancer.. and gyno issues or blood tests or weird sexual issues. No. Nada. Niente..
Yet that message from Sarah reminded me
that perhaps I should start again, or at least try to continue what I started because
at the end of the day… I really love my friends (and readers) and I want you to
be well. Like, really WELL. I understand that COLOSSAL shit happens to everyone, so maybe I can
help YOU avoid something (cancer!)
that will make whatever situation you are in a whole lot trickier. trust me, it's a bugger...
Please, let’s make a pact. I will NOT stop
writing and I will NOT stop talking, but will YOU please look after yourselves
and book yourselves a smear test? Please? I don’t want to give this up. I don’t
want to EVER feel that I could’ve/should’ve said more. That I could’ve
saved/helped someone. It would truly break me and the many others that surround you.
I’m now into year 5… this is my final year
(hopefully) of this cloud of doubt I’ve been living in. But it won’t be my
final year of writing. I’m going to push as much as I can to get you ALL to go
and get checked. I’m still holding my breath… but not my words x
So BREATHE dear reader, friend, sister,
mother, aunt, cousin… breathe and go and get checked and be happy because I’ll
bet anything you want: someone is holding their breath for you x
