The Big Pause…
A bear walks into a bar and says “Can I
have…………………………………….a coke?”
“why the big paws?”
ha. Ha. Ok it was funny at the time.
So, the Pause. There are two significant
moments in life when hormones are given centre stage: the teenage years and the
over 50’s. Cos it’s all about hormones y’all!
The middle bit is never really talked or
thought about but DAMN are hormones important! And one never really gets it
until they turn around and stop bloody working. Bastards.
A few weeks before my chemo started I was
given a choice:
1)
Hope for the best and get my
ovaries blasted that will certainly lead to premature menopause but maybe some
glimmer of God of Hormones hope will not turn the poor bastards into raisins
and they may come back to life, at some point.
2)
Have surgery to remove my
ovaries and have them implanted under my armpits (I shit thou not) thus
continuing my regular hormonal self, yet recovering from surgery then going in
for chemo and radio and raising my breast cancer AND ovarian cancer risk by
over 50% (oh and as the ovaries are under my arms makes them rather difficult
to manage.)
3)
Going on HRT for 10 years and
risking vaginal hemorrage, breast cancer and bladder cancer by another 50%.
Gee.. thanks Doc! What a happy bunch of
choices to make. I went for number one.
A year later:
I swear to the good Lord that I will never
again make fun of hot flushes. Even the most literate among you cannot come up
with words that describe how awful they are. And they just ARRIVE, out of
nowhere, and BAM. Sitting with an important client eating sushi and talking
v.e.r.y. i.m.p.o.r.t.a.n.t business? Ha! The flush doesn’t care! She comes in
like a train out of hell and in 5 seconds you are reduced to a sweaty pink wreak.
Sometimes a blessing in the winter but last year, we had the hottest summer on
record and I felt EVERY SINGLE DEGREE and then some.
Other delightful side effects are:
1)
Grey hair. Easily fixed yet
expensive maintenance.
2)
Mood swings. Mah… story of my
life, next!
3)
Forgetfulness. This pisses me
off, I have to write everything down. Not so bad though.
4)
Frequent urination. Ask my
Mother, this has always been my speciality.
5)
Frequent crying. Again, see
above.
6)
Wrinkles. Bastards… I will
embrace lifting. When I can afford it.
7)
Insomnia. God bless books and
the Internet.
8)
Weight gain. I just have to
look at pasta. This is NOT cool
9)
Brittle bones, weak heart,
cholesterol… Ugg. Can we stop now?
The articles are pretty funny, or just
plain depressing depending on ones point of view: “With the decreasing female
hormones the male hormone, testosterone, takes over and can result in facial
hair, a thick waist, broadening of the hips and fat depositing on the abdomen
and thighs.”
In short, dear readers, I am turning into a
hot, sweaty, short-tempered, forgetful, grey-haired, emotionally challenged, incontinent,
fat and hairy MAN.
I rest my case.
Call me Richard.
