We have all been there...
The night before an exam, any exam, is always a mad mixture of emotions, tension and apprehension. I remember going over dates and details with my fellow students sitting on the floor with tea and then getting sidetracked by the latest love scandal and then "we MUST go to bed!" Only to stay wide awake staring at the ceiling...dates and details whirling around my head.
Of course later on the same feeling would creep back the night before my university entrance exam, then my driving test, job interviews, house viewings, right up to the night I was taken to hospital and told that yes I WAS giving birth in the morning... dates and details, details and dates..
Right up to the night before my first chemo...and then it all stopped. No whirling. No dates. No details. It as if some giant hand had pressed the over ride button on my cerebral washing machine. Yup...A black sock must have got in and turned my whites to grey. It was odd waking up and feeling so neutral considering what I was about to face.
And I felt it again last night, the night before the BIG SCAN. The scan that I have been waiting for, for 3 long weird months. Months in which I have felt such a range of emotions that I am not even sure if they have been all truly my own. I realise that o have been on autopilot. I have ploughed on for the sake of my family and friends and essentially for my own peace of mind.
And now I will know. The timing couldn't be better really. Throughout this whole journey my body has strangely followed the seasons..The dying off and discolouration of September, the naked and bleakness of winter when I was physically and mentally at my darkest, and now the fresh new green of Spring. And this is, dear reader, terribly cheesy I know..and I guess it may seem to verge on the contrived...but this morning I woke up with a head that was whirling: dates and details, details and dates.
Autopilot has been deactivated. I am coming in to land this fricking cancer plane and I am ready for it now. This scan will be the decider. It's a big deal. And no I am not scared at all.
Thank you all for being with me on this voyage xxx
